| Starting Difficult Conversations |
When you feel worried about someone how do you get them to talk about it? Asking questions can feel like you're intruding. What do you do if the person doesn't want to talk or acts defensively if you say something? What happens if you're mistaken?
If you have worries about someone you know, there are some things you can do to help them open up and learn to handle difficult conversations.
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Be understanding, tactful and gentle |
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Use phrases like ‘I've been a bit worried about you'; ‘I may be wrong, but I've noticed you haven't been your normal self recently'; ‘How are you getting on? Have you time for a coffee and a chat?' |
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Offer the person some private time to talk |
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It is your job to keep the conversation going as long as the other person needs it |
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You don't have to ‘fix' anything, just listen |
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If their reaction is to act defensively, it is unlikely to be down to your approach. It may be due to them realising that you can see something is wrong |
If you fear that you can't ‘fix' their problems, imagine yourself in their position. Just sharing a problem can be enough help to get someone through it. Remember times in your life when you felt relief at sharing a problem. You don't have to solve the problem, or even provide advice, in fact the person will probably feel better at being left in control.
When the person opens up, you are there to help them tell you whatever they can. To do this use inviting questions like:
How long have you felt this way?
When did you realise this had happened?
What else happened?
How did that feel?
Can you tell me more about it?
Sometimes things come out in a jumble. Repeating and clearing up what the person has said can help to keep a conversation going. You can help to put events in order, which shows up where to get started on the main problem.
Here's an example:
Them ‘I just don't know what's going to happen if I lose my job. My boss doesn't give a monkeys, he's always away anyway. I thought this job was going to be secure, they said it was, but now they're saying it's not their fault. I just don't know what I can do, I'm earning less already from a four day week and things are difficult. Trying to do two people's work over four days is impossible.'
You ‘That sounds really difficult, I see where you're coming from. Your job changed, and your hours were reduced, and I'd be worried about my job in that situation. What is your boss doing to help?'
As you listen, you will need to work out how you react to the situation. Some things are shocking. The best reaction is to show you feel for them but not to over-react. Think back to your ‘keeping them talking' job. It's not cheesy to admit ‘that sounds really difficult'; or ‘I can understand why you feel that way, I would too'. Showing your feelings helps the other person connect to you.
